


I Don't Deserve You, But I Need You.

by wat (SemeGal)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Bad Dreams, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, M/M, Phan - Freeform, dan x phil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-25
Updated: 2017-09-25
Packaged: 2019-01-05 09:38:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12187521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SemeGal/pseuds/wat
Summary: Dan isn't good about talking through issues, even with Phil. But after a terrible nightmare, Dan can't hold it in very well and spills it all to Phil.





	I Don't Deserve You, But I Need You.

Dan and talking about his problems didn't go hand in hand, granted he'd gotten better about at least talking things over with Phil once he'd calmed down, but in the heat of the moment, Dan simply wanted to be alone. Dan wanted to wallow in his pain by himself, he felt it was best. No one needed to see him in such a vulnerable position, not even Phil.   
Dan had only ever really cried in front of Phil when it came to a sad movie, or song, something that drew out a lot of emotions. Especially for someone like Dan who didn't often enjoy the act of crying, the vulnerability and shame ate at him like a parasite.   
But of course, Dan had seen Phil cry in different scenarios. Because he was having a bad day, or the comment section finally got to him. Or maybe he had been thinking too much, because even Philip Lester, a person Dan considered to be a walking ball of sunshine, could get covered by the clouds of doubt and insecurity every so often. 

But there were cases, days, days like this one where Dan had a feeling he couldn't get through it alone. He simply couldn't stand to be with his own thoughts, his thoughts that made him believe lies like Phil never having loved him. Thoughts about the future, about Phil leaving him or dying, these thoughts haunted his brain since the early morning hours when he'd awoken from a dream about Phil dying. Phil was laid in his arms, gasping for air yet no visible wound. There was nothing Dan could fix, nothing Dan could do for his best friend before his chest stopped moving.   
Dan had woken up in tears. He'd managed to gather himself before he left his room to eat breakfast with Phil, but even so, Phil knew there was something wrong. When he questioned Dan, Dan simply shrugged it off and said he hadn't slept well.   
It wasn't a lie, just simply not the whole truth. Phil didn't need to know the details, Dan was sure it would blow over throughout the day. 

But it simply festered, haunting his thoughts, this caused Dan to be extra protective of Phil that day, not letting him leave the house alone and casually checking on him every hour. Phil was obviously suspicious of his best friends behavior but decided to not openly question him about his actions. 

They had both wordlessly climbed into bed around two AM, Phil gently pressed a kiss to Dan's forehead and rolled over with his back to Dan. But sleep was not something destined for Dan, especially tonight.   
Dan's head ached and his stomach was filled with cramps, he'd felt too nauseous to eat all day, barely scraping by to get Phil off his back.   
Dan felt a deep sadness well up inside him, not just from the dream but from not talking to Phil except to cool his own anxiety about Phil's safety. With every glance and every touch, even the kiss just now Phil had pressed against his forehead, radiated worry and concern. Dan felt guilty but wasn't sure there would ever be a good time to talk to Phil about this nightmare he'd had. If this wasn't a good time when was? Dan wasn't sure, but before he could really stop himself he'd already rolled over to face Phil's back, feeling this Phil too rolled to face Dan.   
Curiosity and concern etched its way into Phil's features, this only made Dan feel even worse about not telling him, but this was his chance, right? If only his mouth would work for him. Dan opened and closed his mouth without so much as a peep, he felt tears well up in his eyes and cursed himself inwardly for keeping this from Phil any longer than he had to, he knew it had to be killing Phil not to know what was wrong with him, Dan knew this yet words were not on his side. 

Phil reached forward gently and wiped away the tears with his thumb, cupping Dan's face as he wept silently. "Don't worry about it Dan, we can talk in the morning if you'd like." Phil was always kind and gentle about almost anything with Dan, this wasn't foreign, but this heightened Dan's frustration with himself and caused his throat to tighten even more. He could just simply chicken out tomorrow and try and put it past himself and Phil with no avail. It was now or possibly never. "N-No I, I want to talk about it now." Dan's voice sounded impossibly weak and faint, it sounded hoarse as if he hadn't used it for ages. But this was his breakthrough in this moment, so he went in head first. "You see, I had this terrible nightmare, and in it, you died and there was nothing I could do. No way to save you. And you died in my arms, Phil, and it's been consuming me all day but I didn't want to worry you so I tried to push it away but it didn't work, I wasn't sure when to say something because there's never really a good time to talk about this kind of thing, but I felt extremely guilty about holding it in and making you worried.. I'm sorry, Phil." Dan took a long, shaky breath and closed his eyes, he wasn't sure what he was expecting or bracing for, maybe for Phil to tell him this was all silly and to go to sleep. That was the worst case scenario at least, but Dan felt the bed dip as Phil moved in closer to him, encircling Dan in his arms, pulling him tight against his body. Planting two warm and soft kisses on each of Dan's cheeks.  
Dan couldn't hold back at all anymore, the tears poured from his eyes on Phil's shoulder, chest and their pillows, it was a silent type of cry, a few hiccups here and there, but Phil was there for him. He was there to rub Dan's back, to press his nose to his temple and keep his own breathing calm despite the sadness. Phil didn't say anything, he didn't need to, he appreciated Dan being open about what was bothering him, but this wasn't a time for advice or kind words. What advice could you even give when your best friends told you they had a dream about you dying, and there was nothing they could do?

Phil let Dan cry for some time, once it ceased Phil pulled away and studied Dan's face through blurry eyes. Dan's own eyes were puffy and swollen, his cheeks shiny from the salty tears, but even at his most vulnerable, snot dribbling down his face in all, Daniel Howell was beautiful to Phil. There was no doubt about that. 

Phil turned and searched for the box of tissues next to his nightstand, he came back to face Dan and offered him the box.   
Phil and Dan both sat up, Dan blew his nose several times and missed the trash can each time to throw the tissues in, they both laughed about this. Dan felt like there had been a weight lifted off his shoulders and chest, there was nothing weighing his heart down, it felt free and clear of storms.   
Dan looked to Phil who had already been staring at him, smiling gently Dan leaned in and kissed Phil's lips gingerly, he lingered as a broad smile spread across Phil's face. They brushed noses briskly and laid back down in bed, still facing each other.

"Thank you, Phil." Dan reached forward and mindlessly brushed some of Phil's hair away from his eyes, catching Dan's hand Phil intertwined his fingers with Dan's and squeezed. "No, thank you, Dan. I'm glad you got this off your chest, even if the idea that I died in your dreams is a little spooky, I think we've encountered worse in real life." They both chuckled softly, Dan squeezed Phil's hand in return and closed his eyes as he felt himself sink into the bed peacefully. Now that it was all over, he'd poured it all out to Phil and cried himself to pieces, Dan was exhausted. "I think I can sleep now.." Dan mumbled, and within moments he was dozing off, but not quite asleep as he felt Phil plant a quick kiss on his forehead again. Dan smiled, and even without opening his eyes he knew Phil was smiling as well. 

All was at peace, for now at least.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm still not entirely happy with this. The direction I took this in changed several times, but I liked this outcome, or rather outline a bit better I suppose? Either way, it's here, and very queer. So have some glitter.


End file.
